Week 15 Headlines: Safety First!
NDL managing editor Dimas Diaz brings you the NFL fake news and notes you douchebags need to know heading into Week 15. This week we highlight safety in the NFL. So important in these times.
NFL to Require Arizona Cardinals to Wear Condoms for Ass Raping of Detroit Lions
In the time of Covid and ongoing concussion protocols, safety of NFL players has never been more important. With this in mind, the NFL is refusing to take even the slightest chance of risking player health. Thus, they will require all Arizona Cardinals to wear name brand, latex, NFL approved condoms for their matchup this Sunday against the Detroit Lions. One NFL official, who chooses to remain anonymous, stated, “It’s clear we are going to witness the Arizona Cardinals bend the Detroit Lions over and have their way. We just want them to be safe about it.” We at the NDL wouldn’t have it any other way, anonymous NFL guy. Safety first!
Good luck, Detroit!
Roger Goodell Weighs Possible Delay of Week 15 to Host Covid Party
In light of the tidal wave of Covid positive cases in the NFL in the past few days (see: Jarvis Landry, Baker Mayfield), Roger Goodell (pictured above with Patrick Mahomes) is weighing the possibility of throwing a Covid party for all players, taking a cue from 1980’s moms who used to throw chicken pox parties to expose and naturally immunize their children. Under pressure from sponsors who do not want to advertise for a bevy of backups in Week 15, Goodell has been forced to think outside of the box. “We haven’t decided for sure, but are seriously weighing the idea of a Covid party. Just get all players together in a hall, expose them to the virus, wait a week for everyone to recover, then move on with the season.” There’s unconfirmed talk of Justin Jefferson and Joe Mixon having an end zone dance battle to provide entertainment while players commingle.
Exposure to Joe Mixon’s Kid n’ Play celebration dance one more time? Yes, please!
NFL Considering New Uniforms for 2022 Made Completely out of Mask Material
As the Covid-19 health crisis shifts from pandemic to endemic heading into 2022, congressmen and women from blue states and even the White House are calling for the NFL to make football safer in regards to Covid or face consequences, up to and including a complete shut down of the league. Inside sources say the NFL is floating the idea of designing new uniforms made entirely out of paper mask material (see slide above). A spokesman for Roger Goodell shared, “Since leaders in some blue states and the President think masks are so darn effective against the spread of Covid, we at the NFL figured, why not make the entire uniform out of the the mask?” When word of this got back to the White House, one source close to the matter said President Biden instantly got a giant boner, his first in years.
The NFL marketing division is currently working with the likes of Nike, Reebok, and Under Armor on possible designs.
Finally, to acknowledge the hard work these girls do, we highlight a cheerleader from a random NFL team. This week, apropos of Tom Brady tossing a game winning bomb to beat the Bills in overtime, we honor a Tampa Bay Bucc-ette. Meet Rachael…
Rachael is originally from Florida and is in her sophomore year as a Bucs cheerleader. When she’s not tumbling for Tom Terrific she likes to water ski, wrestle alligators (just kidding), and read Steven King novels. Her favorite job besides her current one was being one of Santa’s helpers during Christmas at the mall in her hometown. She had to wear an elf costume and entertain the children so they would smile for the camera. Rachael, we are smiling and we know what we want for Christmas, but you can still wear the elf costume!