The regular season is officially over. How’d you do? Good? Odds are you didn’t. I mean even if you had a wild card round, only 4 teams can make it to the semi finals, so you most likely did not. I certainly did not. At least not in my biggest money league. All of those magazines, websites, Twitter follows, conversations in the Vegas pool with my fellow footballers, all for nada. Leave it to the fantasy gods to make you feel like a complete a-hole. Not as big of an a-hole as this guy…
… but pretty big.
Anyway, with this in mind, I’d like to try an exercise. Let’s take a look at our actual first round from said big money league (called the NDL or National Douchebag League, namesake of this Substack and greatest fantasy league in the world of which I am the humble yet proud commissioner), then let’s take a look at what that first round should have been based on fantasy points season to date. Btw, settings are full point ppr.
Here it is in all of its glory, from August 26, 2023, the NDL’s first round:
Justin Jefferson
Christian McCaffrey
Ja’Marr Chase
Austin Ekeler (my pick, FML)
Tyreek Hill
Jalen Hurts
Bijan Robinson
Derrick Henry
Travis Kelce
Saquon Barkley
Nick Chubb
Josh Allen
Pretty boiler plate first round right? JJ was coming off a career year. Bijan was hyped to the moon. Nick Chubb was leading a run first and run second, third, and fourth offense. Saquon had a QB who got paid “playoffs or bust” money. Austin Ekeler was going to catch 80 balls from his elite QB. Travis Kelce was going to not date Taylor Swift and catch another 100 balls and 12 TD’s.
Yeah, none of that worked out.
Here is the “hindsight is 20/20” first round based on how players actually fared. We’ll keep the QB’s out of it because different leagues treat QB’s differently. I will say that Josh Allen finished first overall in our league in points (462, a full 43 points ahead of the next QB Dak Prescott) so taking him at the end of the first wasn’t crazy. The other first round QB, Jalen Hurts, finished 4th in points, but only 20 points separated him from the next three QB’s (Purdy, Tua, and Goff) so 6th overall may have been a wee bit early.
Anyway, this is how the first round should have gone now that we know what we know:
Christian McCaffrey
Tyreek Hill
CeeDee Lamb
Keenan Allen
AJ Brown
Ja’Marr Chase
Amon-Ra St. Brown
Raheem Mostert
Stefon Diggs
DJ Moore
Mike Evans
Michael Pittman Jr.
There you have it. Feel like an a-hole? I do. I had none of those players on my roster. Also, how weird is it that there are only 2 RB’s in the top 12? And one of them is Raheem Fucking Mostert!? Keenan Allen finishing 4th overall blows my mind, especially considering the debacle that was the Chargers season. He went in round 4 and caught 108 balls for 1,243 yards and 7 scores. DJ Moore went a round later and finished with 80-1123-7. If you waited another round, you could have snatched Mike Evans in the 6th. He totaled 66-1077-11. Yeah, 11 TD’s in the 6th round. Or… you could have waited even longer and grabbed the great Michael Pittman in the 8th round and been rewarded with 99-1062-4. You read that correctly, Michael Pittman caught 99 balls mostly from Gardner Minshew.
This was truly the year of the wide receiver. If you went heavy on RB’s not named Christian McCaffrey early (like my dumb ass) you probably didn’t have many wins. That’s ok, there is always next year. I am sure the 2024 draft will be heavy on WR’s in the first round, after which the fantasy gods will rug us all and give us a year of multiple 2,000 scrimmage yard RB’s. Why? Because fantasy football knows how to make you feel like a total a-hole.
That’s a wrap for the 2023 season!
To all of you who did roster some of those red hot, pass catching studs and will celebrate Christmas with a big cup of fantasy playoff football, congratulations! I hope this little blog helped in some small way— even if my tips didn’t help your team, hopefully it at least made you smile, snort, or giggle after a tough loss.
Lastly but not leastly (that’s totally a word), I appreciate all of you who took the precious time to read this every week. Thank you.
Have a happy, blessed, and safe holiday season. Cheers!
Speaking of cheers….
Cheer Corner
Our weekly feature, where we highlight a cheerleader from a team of note to show our appreciation for the hard work they do for us fans and their squad.
Apropos of the Seattle Seahawks and the 12th man shocking the Philadelphia Eagles to stay alive in the playoff hunt, meet Lauren…
This rookie Seahawks dancer is originally from Texas where everything is bigger. Even her expectations. So if you are a fantasy player who missed playoffs, forget it, she’d probably never cheer for you. She doesn’t tolerate losers.
She’s also a graphic designer. Hey, Lauren, can you design a new anal cavity that is not destroyed by the 2023 fantasy season? Asking for a friend!