NFL Week 15: Happy Birthday, Jesus. Hope You Like Shit Shows.
Join NDL managing editor Dimas Diaz as he takes you through all the Week 15 NFL action
NFL Week 15: Happy Birthday, Jesus. Hope you like shit shows.
If Jesus played fantasy football in 2021, particularly Week 15 of the 2021 season, he might have changed the golden rule from “Love thy neighbor as thyself” to “Fuuuuuuck Covid!!!!” Before we go spreading any blasphemous rumors (shout out to Depeche Mode), Jesus is not playing fantasy football (at least we don’t think he is), the golden rule is intact, but Jesus if you are listening, we’d really like you to take away this Covid crap, like soon, before we have to start guys like Donovan Peoples-Jones again. (Side note to Jesus [if you’re not Jesus do not read this next part]: Seriously, can you please end Covid? Consider it a birthday present you are giving to us. Even though it’s your birthday. As always, your will be done. Amen.) For some, Week 15 was the wild card week in playoffs, for others it was the last week of the regular season and hence last chance to grab a spot in the big dance. So it was doubly frustrating when the list of Covid-positive cases started showing up and taking players out of your lineup seemingly every time you refreshed your roster. Couple that with a week where guys like Ryan Tannehill, Ben Roethlisberger, and *gasp* Tom Brady, failed to throw a touchdown, and you’ve got yourself a Grade A Shit Show. Thus was week 15: The Cardinals got spanked by the one-win (now two) Detroit Lions, a team with whom, by all accounts, the Cards were supposed to have their way with; The Saints shut out the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who lost Chris Godwin, Mike Evans, and Leonard Fournette during the game; and the list of Covid cases was longer than Santa’s naughty and nice list combined– so much so that they had to move 3 games to Monday and Tuesday. So not only was Week 15 a shit show, it was a supersized shit show, lasting from Thursday to Tuesday. If that is all we have to offer to our Lord, then pray that we gave him a gift receipt. Or God help us all.
To my fellow fantasy douche bags: If you made it to the playoffs or won your first round, congratulations! To those that didn’t, please remember, wipe from front to back. You don’t want any dingle berries hanging from those jingle bells.
Now go grab some double ply TP, and get ready to have a nice, long sit on the pot that holds the remnants of Week 15 in the NFL…
Week 15 observations
*Justin Herbert (236 pass yards, 2 TD, 16 rush yards, rush TD) may have scored too quickly on that last drive. Patrick Mahomes (410 pass yards, 3 TD, 32 rush yards, 2 PT) and Kelce don’t need but a minute to slice you up. And slice they did.
*Travis Kelce (10-191-2) returned to form and… now he is on the Covid list. Tyreke Hill (12-148-1) shredded the Bolts’ secondary and…. Now he is on the Covid list too. Told you week 15 was a shit show.
*Austin Ekeler (59 rush yards, TD, 4-23) toughed it out with a gimpy ankle. Then he was placed on Covid reserve, then not?
*When you have Jonathan Taylor (170, TD) in both fantasy and reality football, he can and will win your matchup for you. Colts saw this and you saw it with that looooong TD to slam the door on New England. Here’s hoping we draw the first pick at our draft in Vegas next season.
*Hunter Henry (6-77-2) is back after totalling only 4 catches over the last 3 weeks. Do you have the sack to start him over whoever else you’ve got at TE? It’s the playoffs, bruh.
*Devin Singletary (86 rush yards, TD) went from 4 carries last week to 22 this week. It was reported that the Bills now “trust” him as their lead back. Only took them 15 weeks. That team is a fucking mess. They went from lock to win division to maybe missing the playoffs.
*Russell Gage (8-91-1) is catching fire lately and should finish strong for anyone who picked him up. Let’s hope he doesn’t suddenly decide to walk the earth.
*Is Kyler Murray (257 pass yards, TD, 3 rush yards) ok? Started hot, now running for life versus Detroit?
*Christian Kirk (9-94-1) was the beneficiary of DeAndre Hopkins going on IR. Here’s a picture of Kirk last week when the Hopkins news was announced:
*Amon-Ra St. Brown (8-90-1) is in the circle of trust with his 3rd week in a row of double digit PPR fantasy points.
*Mark Andrews (10-136-2) continues to show the world that Tyler Huntley can do a great Lamar Jackson impression.
*Jeff Wilson Jr. (110 rush yards, TD, 2-9) filled in nicely for Eli Mitchell. Alert: San Francisco does not get Atlanta next week.
*Deebo Samuel (29 rush yards, TD, 4-60) continues to go all Cordarelle Patterson on opposing teams’ asses. He has 39 carries for 269 yards and 7 TD’s on the ground this season.
*If “back to earth” means 6 catches for 93 yards, then George Kittle came back to earth this week. Here’s a pic of Kittle in his youth, circa Christmas of ‘91:
*Brandin Cooks (7-102-2) may not be consistent, but when he goes off - yowza. It was the Jags tho.
*You never know who Joe Burrow (157 pass yards, TD, 25 rush yards) will bless with targets. This week it was Tyler Boyd (5-96-1) who had 33% of the target share.
*Dalton Schultz (8-67-1) exceeded expectations and outscored all 3 Dallas WR’s: Cooper (2-8), Lamb (6-50), and Gallup (3-32).
* “Aaron Rodgers (268 pass yards, 3 TD’s) to Davante Adams (6-44-1)!” Get used to hearing that for another 6-7 weeks.
*Chris Godwin (6-49) was catching everything thrown to him before he had the torn ACL, now out for the season. Then Mike Evans (1-14) tweaked his hamstring, he’s week to week. Lenny Fournete (34 rush yards, 7-33) hurt his ankle and hamstring and is now on IR. Happy playoffs, owners of any of these Bucs!
*Tom Brady (no TD’s, thrown Microsoft tablet) can probably get by with Rob Gronkowski (2-29) and a returning Antonio Brown. Unless Antonio Brown’s reinstatement letter by Bruce Arians was a forgery. Then Tom will just have Gronk. Then he might do this again:
*Add Taysom Hill (154 pass yards, 33 rush yards) to the pile of QB’s who didn’t throw a TD week 15. His weapons: Alvin Kamara (18 rush yards, 2-13) and a bunch of guys. Drew Brees may have bailed at the right time.
*Minnesota beat down Chicago, but you would not know it from the score. Justin Jefferson (4-47-1) got his as per usual. Dalvin Cook (89 rush yards, 2-2) had 28 carries but didn’t need 200 yards this week to get it done.
*Miles Sanders (131 rush yards, 2-15) may have helped you spoil someone’s playoff hopes. But that’s best case scenario, because let’s face it, if you’re a Miles Sanders owner, you weren’t in contention.
*Antonio Gibson (26 rush yards, TD, 6-39) most likely, err, kissed JD McKissic (IR as of today) on the way out the door. He can now own that backfield and Tuesday night he did.
*Odell Beckham Jr. (1-7) proving that without TD’s, he’s just a douche with an ugly haircut.
*DK Metcalf (6-52) proving that without TD’s, he’s just a douche with an ugly haircut
*What can be said about the Seattle Seahawks?
*Seeing Cooper Kupp (9-136-2) dominate this much, how is it that he wasn’t some freakish prospect out of college? He’s a 3rd round draft pick from Eastern Washington. He’s in his 5th season and has only topped 1000 yards once in his career back in 2019. And all of a sudden he is head and shoulders above all other receivers/players not named Jonathan Taylor. The only thing that changed for him was his QB. Hmmm…
*Rams looking like they are trusting Sony Michel (18 carries, 92 yards, 2-23) with the rock now. But it’s the Rams so they could give the towel boy a shot next week, because this guy gives zero fucks: