My son pissed me off something royal Monday night. He’s 10. So he pisses me off a lot. “Pisses me off” may be too strong a phrase. (My 14 year old pisses me off. He's turning into a high school version of me. But that’s another story for another time.) My little 10 year old more so just reminds me to breathe. I don’t show it. When he upsets me, I take a deep breath and then I take 12 more and then I explain to him what he needs to do to get back on the right track. This is probably how I look explaining that.
Monday night, I had a football game to watch. You may have heard? (Or Beatheard) The Bengals and the Jaguars had an AFC grudge match that I wasn’t even that excited for because Cincy’s back up QB was battling Trevor Lawrence and the big bad Jags on the road. More on that later. Before I turned the game on, while we were eating dinner, I talked to my son about his school day, as I do, and discovered he had a religion test tomorrow (he goes to a Catholic school). I calmly told him to please study for it after dinner while I sat in front of the TV and watched the aforementioned football game. The game was probably the most entertaining matchup in recent memory, won in overtime by a field goal by the road dog Bengals. When it was over, it was just about time for my boy to wind down, wash up, and get in the zone for bedtime, which is 9pm pacific standard time.
I went to his room to relay this to him. He was on his iPad playing something on Roblox (if you are 10 years old you know what that is). Needless to say, he did not study for his religion test. I took my standard 12 deep breaths and asked him why he didn’t study when I specifically asked him to. He shrugged and said he forgot. I explained to him that I don’t ask him to study to burden him, only that if he studies, the test should be easier for him, and he will get a good grade. He grabbed his notebook and dug in. As I contemplated how loud I can scream outside without startling any of the neighbors, I thought about fantasy football.
I don’t study for tests anymore, but when summer hits, I study the shit out of everything fantasy football. By the end of August I know which O-lines are the strongest, which secondaries are the weakest, what RB’s will be workhorses, which WR’s are in their 3rd years, and none of my knowledge means a damned thing when Aaron Rodgers lasts 3 plays week 1. Or when you’re in a must win to get into the playoffs week 13 and Tank Dell fractures his ankle, leaving you with big fat zero.
This week I didn’t win a single matchup in my 5 fantasy leagues. I most likely will not make the playoffs in any of them, a first. I am sad. Like I said, fantasy football is a 17 week long test that you can know all the answers to before it begins and still flunk.
As for my son, his test is on the 5 forms of prayer. One of them is “petition”, which is when you ask God for something. For example, this week I would ask for patience in being a dad to a very squirrely 10 year old and for the strength to go on when Tank Dell and my entire fantasy team decide to take a shit and fuck me over at the worst possible time and ruin any chance to make the playoffs thus ending my pitiful season. Hallelujah. Holy shit.
Week 13 Observations
*I’ll start with Monday night. Bengals were a 10 point underdog with Jake Browning starting and they pulled out a win. Browning threw a whopping 354 pass yards. If you own any of the Cincy offense, you can relax. Even before Trevor Lawrence went out with what appeared to be a sprained ankle at best and something much more season ending at worst, the Bengals were hanging with the Jags. They lost Christian Kirk as well earlier in the game. Depending on MRI results, the Jags may have just left the back door open for all of those 5 and 6 win teams in the AFC. Should be a very interesting final five weeks of the season.
*As mentioned, Christian Kirk went out with a groin injury. He may be back next week, but please note that Parker Washington (6-61-1) AND Zay Jones (5-78-0) got plenty of looks once Kirk departed. Either one of them is worth a pick up. I like the rookie Washington slightly better though.
*We had a school event Sunday afternoon, so I left the house when the Eagles were up 6-0 on the 49’ers. The place we were at had crap reception so I didn’t get any updates until we came back home later in the evening. I had to look at my phone twice. Did the 49’ers beat down the Eagles that bad after starting out so slow? Brock Purdy ended with 314 yards and 4 TD’s. Deebo Samuel (3 TD’s!), CMC and Brandon Aiyuk all ate, but George Kittle (4-68-0) was left cold. Purdy can’t feed everyone.
*Speaking of tight ends, Dallas Goedert is able to catch passes again. He isn’t active, but if anyone bailed on him and he’s on waivers, grab him now. Unless you are like me and have no playoff chances. Then you can look at him on your computer screen, touch his face, think of what could have been, then grab him anyway to be a spoiler.
*I wish Tank Dell nothing but the best. Dude had an amazing, albeit truncated, rookie season. Sure, he did me and you no favors when it mattered most, but that is why we play the game. We’re still grabbing you in the 2nd/3rd round next season, Tank. You beast.
*Dameon Pierce decided to score a TD now that he is squarely out of the circle of trust. Y’all can have him next season.
*CJ Stroud continued his ROY campaign with a big win vs. Denver. With the Jags most likely being without the services of Trevor Lawrence for the remainder of the season, the Texans path to the playoffs just got as smooth as Lawrence’s blonde locks.
*The AFC is so wide open, that despite the loss, Denver is still in it. Russell Wilson needs to not throw 3 picks per game if he wants to rack up more W’s.
*Gardner Minshew is proving that he CAN be a viable starter. In this week’s win he threw for 312 yards and a pair of TD’s. As long as Michael Pittman (11-105-1) keeps doing what he’s been doing, Indy could shock some muthaphukkas. And you cannot hate on the Minshew drip.
*Derrick Henry scored 2 TD’s again. We were getting LT on the Jets vibes before last week, but with back to back multi TD’s and 102 yards rushing, looks like he still has gas in the tank. He was concussed in the 4th quarter, but should be fine.
*Props to you if you had the sack to start De’Von Achane in spite of him burning you last time he came off of injury. You were rewarded with 103 scrimmage yards and 2 TD’s. Miami blowing out Washington helped as they rested Mostert early on.
*You don’t need up, up, down, down, left right, left right if you have Tyreek Hill (5-157-2). He is a walking, talking cheat code.
*The Lions are like a Ferrari going 100 mph on the side of a mountain. Sure it looks cool and is fast as hell, but it could go off the rails at any minute. They scored 14 quickly on the Saints, then let them back in because they like sweating? As a fantasy owner, you start all Lions regardless. If you’re a fan, keep the Tums handy in the coming weeks.
*I slept on Alvin Kamara at draft time. He is a target monster (8) every week. This week he had 109 total yards and 2 scores.
*If you still can, add Taysom Hill, he may be leaned on even more. Saints already are without Michael Thomas and now Derek Carr is down.
*Pittsburgh vs. Arizona was delayed due to rain. I think James Conner scored twice. Revenge game. Also Kenny Pickett got taken out with injury. They stopped and started that game with so much time in between I lost interest. Both of those teams are drawing dead anyway.
*The only team I hate worse than the Falcons is the Jets. I hate the Falcons because I over drafted Drake London (1-8-0) and they don’t seem to know that he plays wide receiver for them. And I hate the Jets because they are still agonizing over which QB to start. Guys, it’s over. It’s been over. It doesn’t matter. Finish up with as little injuries to your top shelf defense as possible and get ready for next season.
*The Chargers finally won a game and I can’t celebrate because it was a 6-0 snooze fest against a team (the lowly Patriots) that they should have bulldozed. Austin Ekeler is no longer a must start. He has been dreadful the last 3 weeks. Anyone can have a bad game, but he hasn’t totaled more than 70 yards since week 10. In that time span he has lost 2 fumbles, hasn’t scored, and looks like he is a defeated man after every run. My hope is this is the time to buy low, so to speak, and next week he will explode. As a fan, my fingers are crossed, but as a fantasy owner, I am already out of the playoffs so whatevs.
*For all of you Ezekiel Elliott truthers, your time has come. Rhamondre Stevenson went out with a nasty ankle injury. I don’t know the results of any MRI’s, but the eyeball test says he is out for at least a few weeks. An ankle shouldn’t bend like that. Anyway, the Pats offense is like every mid-2000’s Paul Giamatti character. Schlubby, defeated, and past its prime.
*Someone tell Baker Mayfield that Chris Godwin catches passes for his team too. He gives Mike Evans (7-162-1) all the love every week. Evans garnered 12 more targets this week. Godwin got a late rushing TD to salvage the matchup for his owners.
*I admit, I was a Jordan Love hater. Dude is playing with a confidence reminiscent of vintage Aaron Rodgers. I’m not saying he has any MVP awards in his future, but he certainly looks the part as of late. He threw for 267 yards and 3 TD’s as he beat Patrick Mahomes and the down trending Chiefs. There were a couple of shitty calls at the end that may have swayed the outcome, but that takes nothing away from Jordan Love’s newfound swagger. A few weeks ago everyone was Steve Winwood singing “bring me a higher Love”, well you got him. A higher Love you’ve been thinking of. For the sake of you cheese heads, let’s pray to God it lasts.
Cheer Corner
Our weekly feature, where we highlight a cheerleader from a team of note to show our appreciation for the hard work they do for us fans and their squad.
Apropos of the San Francisco 49’ers reminding everyone who the team to beat is, as they trounced Philly, meet Hana…
She is a northern California native who graduated from Sacramento State with a bachelors in Health Science. She loves her pet shih-tzu poodle named Kota and has even taught the little pooch to pray before meal times!
Her hobbies include shoe shopping and gymnastics. In fact, she was a competitive gymnast for 11 years. Hana, please ask Kota to pray for us to remain pure in thought! Totally not kidding!