NFL Week 13 Fake Headlines
NDL Managing editor Dimas Diaz brings you the NFL fake news and notes you douchebags need to know heading into Week 13
Mike Davis Can’t Wait to Turn 30 and Break Out Like Teammate Cordarrelle Patterson
Mike Davis (pictured above with fingers to the sky) can’t catch a break these days. Almost halfway through his 2-year, $5.5 million dollar deal in Atlanta, he’s getting jobbed out by relatively old (for an RB) journeyman Cordarrelle Patterson. Patterson has bested Davis all season despite being 2 years his senior and never having had more than 232 rush yards before now. Davis is not worried though. We caught up with the 28-year-old, 8th year running back recently for comment. Mike Davis had this to say: “Hey, Cordarrelle is just now breaking out at 30, right? This is his 5th team in 9 seasons. I’m 28 and I’ve also played on 5 teams. Only thing I’m missing is turning 30. Do the math. Two more years and I’ll be a pro bowler!”
Well, that and learning how to rush for more than 2 yards and a cloud of dust. Best of luck, Mike. (And nice gams btw!)
Number 2 Pencil Upset That Mike Glennon Is a Thing Again
With New York Giants starting QB Daniel Jones expected to miss some time, Mike Glennon has come back into relevancy as the veteran QB is in line to make his first start of the season this Sunday. Number 2 pencils everywhere are up in arms. One particularly upset Number 2 Pencil (pictured above in happier times) was recently quoted as saying, “I had JUST gotten back to being able to shop and say hi to old friends at Office Depot in peace without some little bastard in a jersey coming and asking me for my autograph. I’m tired of telling football fans that I am not Mike Glennon. I am a NUMBER 2 PENCIL! Just because I look exactly like the guy doesn’t mean you can come and ask me to take a goddam selfie!”
Mike Glennon (pictured above) could not be reached for comment.
As for looking like a number 2 pencil, the jury is still out.
The pencil may have a point, Mike. Now if only you can find a way to erase your career TD/INT ratio!
Derek Carr Just as Shocked as You Are That He Leads NFL in Passing Yards
Heading into Week 13 the NFL top 3 passing leaders are Matt Stafford in 3rd place with 3,316 yards and Tom Brady in 2nd with 3,403. Leading the NFL with the most passing yards? None other than Oakland, errrrr, Las Vegas Raiders QB Derek Carr with 3,414 yards! Nobody is more surprised than the man himself, Derek Carr. When asked about his leading the NFL in passing yards he had this to say, “No shit? Seriously? Like, there’s not a hidden camera pointed at me right now is there? I don’t have a number 1 receiver. My TE has been inconsistent. My coach was fired. How the heck am I in first?” We’re shocked too, Derek! But keep up the fantastic work. Oh, and if you could see about returning our eye liner that you borrowed last Friday? We got a holiday party this weekend. Appreciate it!
Finally, to acknowledge the hard work these girls do, we highlight a cheerleader from a random NFL team. This week, apropos of Derek Carr leading the NFL in passing and the Raiders embarrassing the Cowboys on Thanksgiving, we honor a Raiderette!
Meet the lovely and talented Bree…
She’s a dance instructor who grew up in Las Vegas and is in her first year as a Raiderette. Her favorite color is pink, her favorite Disney character is Ariel from The Little Mermaid, and her hidden talent is decorating Christmas trees. She does multiple trees at her house every year, each with a different theme. We hadn’t put the star at the top of our tree yet, Bree, but we are definitely thinking of topping it now!