NFL Week 13: Breakin’ Bill
Written by Dimas Diaz, NDL managing editor who takes you through all the Week 13 NFL action
Back in 1984 I saw one of the greatest movies of all time: Breakin’. It taught me two life lessons that have served me well. First, that a white girl from the valley who has only ever studied jazz and ballet dancing can learn how to breakdance in a single weekend if she just lets go of her prejudice of what street dancing is and gives in to the tutelage of Ozone (pictured below wearing fedora), choreographer and street dancer. That’s not a life lesson in and of itself, but it does show that if you just stick with something for a whole weekend, you can master a new skill? Second, I learned that I can’t do the windmill. The windmill is a complicated breakdancing move where the dancer simultaneously spins on his or her back while twisting his or her legs in a windmill-like motion. Hence the name “windmill.” I tried it a few times in that glorious summer of ‘84 and after a bloody nose and a bump on the noggin, I realized that 8 year old me had limits. I have never tried to windmill again. Why do I bring this up? Because sometimes when you want to win (or in my case, not bust your nose open), you have to be fully aware of what you can and cannot do. That is why Bill Belichick (pictured above with resting Bill face) is so damn successful.
Bill Belichick wins because he works with what he has, stays within his limits, and exploits those very limits to his advantage. When he had Tom Brady and Randy Moss, he lit the sky up and didn’t need a great defense because the offense scored at will. When he had two athletic tight ends (RIP Aaron), he had them go up and catch intermediate throws and dare the other squad to take them down. They did that all the way to Super Bowl XLVI. Now he has Mac Jones. Monday night he had Mac Jones and 50 mile an hour winds with some snow sprinkled in there. So what did he do? He ran the ball 46 times. And won. Mac Jones threw a total of 3 passes. Why? Because Bill Belichick knows what I had to learn the hard way. There are things you can do and things you can’t do. You have a rookie QB and no Randy Moss type receiver, you need to adjust. You can’t spin on your back and twist your legs around like a propeller without smashing your face into the concrete? You need to just watch Breakin’ and not try to be the next Shabadoo (the guy who played Ozone, God rest his soul). All of this is to say that not only is Bill Belichick going to the playoffs with Mac Jones and a downright nasty defense, but he would never, never have green lit Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Now let’s see what other life lessons we learned Week 13 in the NFL…
Week 13 observations in no particular game order
*Deonte Harris. Has best game of his season on Thursday (4-96-1), gets suspended for 3 games. It was for a DUI in July.
*Another week, another just ok stat line for Kyle Pitts (4-48). He went from overhyped rookie to just a guy pretty quickly. It’s like his final rookie stat line was written by everyone in August. That’s usually a recipe for bust. He’s broken 100 yards just twice this season and has one TD. That’s right, scary Kyle Pitts has a single TD in 13 weeks. He’s talented, in a good situation, hopefully next year he’s more reasonably priced on draft day.
*Adam Thielen (1 rec, high ankle sprain) was on a tear this season. When we got him across the board in all of our leagues as a second and sometimes third WR we felt like geniuses for 12 weeks.
*Tom Brady (368 pass yards, 4 TD’s) is on fire. MVP candidate. Possible back to back Super Bowl appearances. Don’t hate the player, hate the fact that he went to Tampa Bay and not to your team.
*Rob Gronkowski (4-58-2) just catches touchdowns from Brady. That’s his job. Why it says “Tight End” next to his name we will never know. It should say “Brady’s… err… TD… Catcher Guy”.
*We’ve said it before, but it bears repeating. Seeing how cheap Leonard Fournette (7 rec, 92 yfs, TD) went in August drafts, all owners should be arrested for grand larceny.
*Antonio Gibson (111 yfs, 5 catches, TD) shows what he can do when not distracted by JD McKissick.
*Kyler Murray is back and looks like Kyler Murray. Just 123 pass yards, but 2 passing TD’s plus 59 rush yards and 2 rushing scores. One TD was to also-returning DeAndre Hopkins (2-32-1). The Cards won 2 outta 3 without these guys. Think they’re going to the playoffs?
*Justin Herbert (317 yards, 3 TD) and the Chargers are Jekyll and Hyde, but they’ve been more Jekyll (or whoever the good version of that character is) of late. And I meant to ask my 20th century lit professor this back in college, what kind of last name is Jekyll? Like has anyone ever met a Sam or Frank Jekyll?
*Keenan Allan (5-34-2, 2-PT) has best game of season in fantasy points and gets Covid. Guy is second in the entire NFL in dropped passes and he catches this?? Someone call Alanis Morissette because that is i-r-o-n-i-c.
*Mike Williams (5-110) is back and will need to stay back if Allen sits.
*Austin Ekeler didn’t catch Covid but he had a case of fumblitis on Sunday, coughing up the ball twice and barely avoiding a 3rd by a knee.
*It’s been the Tee Higgins (9-138-1) show the last 2 weeks. Think he’s been slipping something into Ja’Marr Chase’s (5-52) Gatorade?
*David Montgomery may be a Bear, but he was a workhorse on Sunday (21 rushes, 90 yards, TD, 8 rec for 51). He’s like classic Ray Rice without the assault record.
*Speaking of workhorses, what else needs to be said about Jonathan Taylor (32 rushes, 143 yards, 2 TD’s)? He gets a bye in Week 14 so he will be good and rested for the fantasy playoffs. You Taylor owners make me sick!
*Dallas Goedert (6-105-2) just boned an unsuspecting franchise who will now pay Gardner Minshew a ton of money for his services in 2022. For some reason there were no Jets within 30 yards of Goedert all day. This made Minshew look like Montana. Good luck with that next year, Houston or New York Giants or Seahawks or (if Tom Brady retires) *gasp* Tampa Bay?!?
*Gotta be happy that Josh Jacobs (52 rush yards, TD, 9 rec for 30) is finally rolling if you’ve held on this long and didn’t trade him for Chuba Hubbard 10 weeks ago. Las Vegas is still “technically” in it (as is 90% of the AFC), though the loss to The Football Team in a very winnable game doesn’t help.
*George Kittle (9-181-2) looks like adult Macaulay Culkin with a scraggly beard. You know it and I know it. And he treated the Seattle D like the Wet Bandits in Home Alone 1 and 2. He didn’t hit them with paint cans or tar and feather them, but he did run around Seahawks Stadium like he owned the place.
*The Rams look like the Rams again. Stafford threw for 295 and 3 TD’s. Sony Michel topped 121 yards on the ground and a TD. Cooper Kupp (8-129-1) keeps reminding us that we are retarded for not drafting him anywhere.
*Why a home team (looking at you, Baltimore) wouldn’t tie a game with the best kicker in NFL history with seconds left instead of trying for 2 and winning is beyond logic. Tie the game, you’re home, you have the fans. And you can win with a field goal later with (again) the BEST KICKER IN NFL HISTORY. Sigh.
*Dionte Johnson (8-105-2) is like that hot, younger girlfriend that makes the old dude look slightly less old. Oh, Big Ben.
*The Detroit Lions won a game. Where the heck has Amon-Ra St. Brown (10-86-1) been all season? It’s not like they have anyone else save TJ Hockenson (4-49-1) at whom to throw passes. That game winning catch was so good it looked scripted. And the fans looked like they won the Super Bowl.
*Javonte Williams (102, 6-76, TD) has left the nest. Melvin Gordon was out so Ja-Will got to finally spread his wings, or whatever a Bronco spreads. Please don’t answer that in the comments.
*So glad we decided to bench all Patriots and Bills this week. I feel for anyone who had a skill position playerMonday night and found out that there were 50 mph winds, snow, rain, Bill Belichick. Especially because it was too late to swap out because it was the LAST FRIKKING GAME OF THE WEEK.
*Patriots are totally winning by way of excellent coaching from one of the best ever. It’s been all defense and running. Monday night was almost a satirical version of that. Mac Jones threw the ball 3 times. Sure there were 100mph winds and snow flurries, but still.
*Mac Jones ended the night with 2 completions for 19 yards and negative 3 rush yards. And a fumble. And they beat the Bills on the road. Brilliant.
*After Week 13 we have a prediction for the Super Bowl. Belichick vs. Brady 2: Electric Boogaloo