NDL Sunday Morning Scroll: Jacksonville Blood Orgy

I just saw the movie The Substance last night. Worst movie I’ve seen in a long time, and I’ve seen The Barbie Movie. I won’t bore you with a review, but it’s basically two and a half hours of over done, indulgent, hit you over the head with our thesis (“the patriarchy’s beauty standards are too high!”) crap. Demi Moore plays an aging actress who gets to live in brief spurts as a younger, hotter version of herself…. with dire consequences! I’m not giving anything away, of course the consequences are dire. The whole tone is that of a Black Mirror episode or Twilight Zone from the word go.

What threw me out of the movie was the ten minute sequences of Demi checking herself out in the mirror before and after she changes into the younger version. It’s 10 minutes of old tits and ass and 10 more minutes of young tits and ass. The sequences are way too long and meandering. It’s like, we get it, young bodies are more supple than old bodies. It’s the movie scene version of a 12 year old finding his dad’s Playboys and just staring at the pictures in awe for 20 minutes. And who knows, maybe the director of the movie is a 12 year old. I wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, after 2 hours of that, there’s a disgusting 30 minute long blood orgy at the end. Again, that’s not a spoiler. The movie has fried any sense of subtlety by that point that by the time the ending hits you’re just like “wow that’s a lot of blood.”

When it was over, I needed a shower. It was too close to bedtime so I hit the sack. Then I started thinking about football. Isn’t the Jets and Jaguars game going to be just like the movie The Substance? It’s gonna be almost 3 hours of an old person (Aaron Rodgers) fighting a younger, hotter version of himself, albeit with a dad bod (Mac Jones), except we won’t see their boobs or butts. If we’re lucky. However, in this instance I would welcome a blood orgy ending. It would be the only thing that would make that game worth watching. Both teams are cooked. Hell, even Evan Engram was like, “See ya next season, guys.” So sad.

(Side note: I am excited to see the Bills and Lions game. Could be a Super Bowl preview and I’m here for it. )

Now back to the Jets and Jags.

The Jets and the Jags suck. They suck ass. I missed the playoffs due to their sucking. My first two picks in my biggest, most meaningful, most expensive league were Garrett Wilson and Travis Ettiene. And thus went my fantasy season.

I remember being so excited when I got them on draft day. What a fool I was. If I could talk to my younger self from August 2024, I’d tell him “Draft Saquon Barkley and then grab Derrick Henry on the way back. You’ll dominate the league and probably go 17-0.” But first I’d check out my tits and ass in the mirror for ten minutes 😉

Enjoy the games and if you are on the verge of playoffs or have made playoffs, good luck. As for me? To quote the great Evan Engram, “See ya next season, guys.”